The Smashmouth Giants, Bumbling Chargers, Stumbling Packers, Week 1 Overreactions, and Guess the Lines With Cousin Sal

Key takeaways

• The Giants dominated Dallas behind Jaxson Dart, who converted an absurd number of third-and-long situations while the Cowboys defense got physically overwhelmed; Simmons admitted he had to eat crow after criticizing the Giants all offseason, noting the team "looked like a professional football team" with a physical, ball-control style.
• The Packers suffered one of the worst blown leads in recent memory, up 22-10 with 20 minutes left against the Vikings' backup quarterback Carson Wentz (after Kyler Murray left with a concussion), then got outscored 19-0 the rest of the way on a night where Minnesota blitzed Jordan Love on 78% of dropbacks.
• Derrick Henry, at 32 years old, continues to produce like his peak self (24 carries, 144 yards, three touchdowns against Indianapolis), prompting a discussion about whether he's building a case as the greatest aging player in football history, since running backs typically decline sharply after seven or eight seasons.
• Several heavily-hyped preseason futures blew up immediately: Miles Garrett and A.J. Brown got hurt, Dallas's over-10.5-wins bet looked dead after Week 1, and Justin Herbert (the "Nerd King") threw multiple picks and nearly got his receiver killed with a bad pass in a disappointing Chargers loss to Arizona, exposing shaky offensive line play.
• Jim Harbaugh's Chargers were criticized for bizarre clock management, including calling a timeout to avoid a delay-of-game penalty on third-and-30 rather than saving it for late-game situations, a decision Simmons called some of the worst coaching he saw all week.
• The hosts flagged an NBC halftime insight from Mike Tomlin, who attributed the leaguewide offensive explosion to defenses being underprepared due to no-contact August practices, suggesting early-season overs may be worth chasing before defenses catch up.

Notable moments

• "Cam Scadaboo just scattered all over your body"—Sal razzing Bill after the Cowboys collapse.
• Bill's college roommate texts in mid-meltdown: "Two third down stops and an interception all overturned by insane penalties... in a few years, we'll find out this game was part of a gambling scandal."
• Sal on Deshaun Watson's pick-six that opened the Browns-Jaguars game: "That's it. The season doesn't really start until he throws an interception. He's like our grabby little creepy groundhog."
• A listener nominates Robert Saleh's new nickname after the Jets loss: "Successful Seaman Saleh"; a nod to his nine kids being his one proven accomplishment.
• Sal recaps his fantasy-football nightmare with the Mariners' Andrés Muñoz blowing his tenth save of the year on a walk-off homer during a make-or-break week.
• Bill and Sal's real-time "Guess the Lines" game repeatedly misses badly on the Packers-Jets line, both guessing around Packers minus-1 when the actual line was Packers minus-4.5.
• Parent Corner detour into Bill and his wife's ongoing, unresolved argument about adopting a third dog, complete with a debate over Newfoundlands and rescue-dog etiquette.

Time saved: 1 hour, 40 minutes.